Well having no feelings and making it publicly known on a blog does protect you in an emotional sense, but that is only a small percentage of what is wrong in my life. I have spent my days in a haze of happiness and fake fulfillment and not paid attention to other things that are important, namely friends, family, and work. Today is the first day of a new term at my uni and this should have been a happy occasion, seeing old friends and reliving awful xmas stories, but it has been plagued by the notion that i have spent 4 months doing absolutely nothing. Just drifting in and out of the life we call reality and a virtual one born half of computer chips and half from the imagination of someone who truly lives in denial.
So i sit here on the precipice of 2 weeks of absolute torture deluded by the fact that I have not been keeping up with my work, and I know I have a hard time ahead, and the insomnia that has been plaguing me has become a half blessing although my mind and thoughts have been diluted, and I find it hard to focus its time i need although it will not be quality time, it still is time. I know my mind will be kept from not swimming to other ineffectual thoughts to work and the stress that comes with it. My veins on my neck are jut swelling at the prospect of staring at a PC screen for any activity other than one that creates a more appeasing reality. So I say adieu, and consign my body to another week of pain and heartache, another week of dry scratchy eyes against the backdrop of world of warcraft. I'm on edge, I don't know which one ,but i do know it is a long way down, and I am more than happy dragging you down with me. Without darkness there would be no light without pain there will be no joy, in a world where absolutes reign, it is most important as to where to strike a balance.
Monday 7 January 2008
Thursday 3 January 2008
This is how the world ends, this is how the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper
I must start by wishing everyone a very happy new year. New year means you have a whole year of new opportunities, a new chance for happiness, a new chance for becoming something else, something that feels less. Like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, I want to be reborn, but for that to happen you have to give up, sink into the darkness, akin to Icarus falling to the sea. I flew to high my wings faded from my eyes. I was full of hope, full of love, full of something I had not felt in a long time. But still I fall, knowing that this is how my life will be if my heart will still lie open.
So as I sit here writing to you a curse bubbles in my mouth, a vow that can never be broken of fear of what may come. I will not open my heart to fickle things like love, I will not be engulfed with feelings again, I will live as I will die with my companionship as my best friend. No cats, no fake babies, nothing will stir my heart again from the darkness where it has been taken again, and again. This world is not mine and nor the people that inhabit it, I will create a new world from the dead hearts that occupy it, it will be closer to me than anything this earth can provide. It will hold me while I slumber, it will comfort me as I fall, it will whisper sweet nothings as I smile, it will love unconditionally, truthfully; and I will love it back.
There is no feeling that I will die anymore under the weight of my emotions, as I will love the cold, the dark, and the dead, and nothing, and i mean nothing will stop me.
...Ippen shindemeru?
So as I sit here writing to you a curse bubbles in my mouth, a vow that can never be broken of fear of what may come. I will not open my heart to fickle things like love, I will not be engulfed with feelings again, I will live as I will die with my companionship as my best friend. No cats, no fake babies, nothing will stir my heart again from the darkness where it has been taken again, and again. This world is not mine and nor the people that inhabit it, I will create a new world from the dead hearts that occupy it, it will be closer to me than anything this earth can provide. It will hold me while I slumber, it will comfort me as I fall, it will whisper sweet nothings as I smile, it will love unconditionally, truthfully; and I will love it back.
There is no feeling that I will die anymore under the weight of my emotions, as I will love the cold, the dark, and the dead, and nothing, and i mean nothing will stop me.
...Ippen shindemeru?
Friday 20 April 2007
Weekend number 1.....
Its the weekend as probably you lot probably know already, and I'm home alone... I suppose typing this feeling a little sorry for myself and a slightly useless. I have a lot of feelings whirring around my head the past few weeks pushing all the work I have coming up out of the window. I have been feeling about where I went wrong, was there anything I did, where I can hold my hands up and call myself an evil bitch.
Anyway all in all I feel vacuous, not just on the weekend, but especially then when I know people are going out the funny thing is they never invite me. I am the shoulder to cry on the amateur agony aunt, but when it comes down to it my phone book is filled with strangers, who barely know me.
Lets go into the problems of these last weeks... Well it all started from going back home, not my favourite activity but could not afford to live away from there another day really, as I was stealing pasta just to allow myself to get by. I came home to what should have been a house that rivals the Waltons, but all there has been is screaming, cussing and a lot of heart-ache. I suppose the extent of my usefulness on this Earth stems in how we are treated in our home, and when you feel like you don't want to be there, and you wonder what kind of sick accident you were conceived in it doesn't make a good start to the holiday. My sunny disposition, thats why people are clamouring to the phones to hear my voice. So I went out just to get pissed and forget about it all, thats th night I met a guy I hooked up with at NYE, he convinced me to go out with him... I just didn't even have the will to argue, I needed it at home, and I agreed. I hated him, every stinking limb on his body, he exuded two things I abhor in this world; he was a stereotypical estate agent; and Essex boy. So i went on this date if you could call it that.... my main aim was to see how many drinks I could fit in my mouth at one time, not for fun, but I couldn't stand to even speak to him(I think he was scared). So I kept on drinking and we ended back at his place and then I started to feast on his other vices and ingested a large proportion of it at that time aswell. I'm not gonna finish this story cos it got a bit hairy, but you get the picture. Anyway since then I have been yearning for him, yeah I know, what the hell, and now he thinks I'm crazy and is blanking me except for random dirty texts!!!! I introspect to much because the thing is, i don't think i like hm at the moment I do not think I am capable of Love, or any such feelings, I believe its all about having what you can't have... a quick fix parsay for all the things you lost, which brings me to another topic.
I hate social networking sites, I might just lock myself out of mine as it is becoming an obsession. I am also a pseudo-stalker with people I know who I don't want to have contact with, and who I don't want them to see how much of a failure I am... and I am. This brings to the next of my myspace/facebook failings they make me lie, I have no idea why, whether to seem more attractive, exciting, better off to people maybe but this maybe why I'm stuck in on a friday night cos I convinced half my address book that I was going away to the moon just for a.. oh...weekend visit.
So I'm coming to the end of my first blog, well to tell you the truth this has been one of the most cathartic experiences I have had in a long time. I definitely recommend. So where will be my path from here, well I have got work tomorrow, which normal people will probably;y complain about, but at least it allows me a few sentences interaction with although undesirable, they are still humans. So you know what I'm gonna say goodnight, I hope you had a good one, and maybe next time can you invite me?
Anyway all in all I feel vacuous, not just on the weekend, but especially then when I know people are going out the funny thing is they never invite me. I am the shoulder to cry on the amateur agony aunt, but when it comes down to it my phone book is filled with strangers, who barely know me.
Lets go into the problems of these last weeks... Well it all started from going back home, not my favourite activity but could not afford to live away from there another day really, as I was stealing pasta just to allow myself to get by. I came home to what should have been a house that rivals the Waltons, but all there has been is screaming, cussing and a lot of heart-ache. I suppose the extent of my usefulness on this Earth stems in how we are treated in our home, and when you feel like you don't want to be there, and you wonder what kind of sick accident you were conceived in it doesn't make a good start to the holiday. My sunny disposition, thats why people are clamouring to the phones to hear my voice. So I went out just to get pissed and forget about it all, thats th night I met a guy I hooked up with at NYE, he convinced me to go out with him... I just didn't even have the will to argue, I needed it at home, and I agreed. I hated him, every stinking limb on his body, he exuded two things I abhor in this world; he was a stereotypical estate agent; and Essex boy. So i went on this date if you could call it that.... my main aim was to see how many drinks I could fit in my mouth at one time, not for fun, but I couldn't stand to even speak to him(I think he was scared). So I kept on drinking and we ended back at his place and then I started to feast on his other vices and ingested a large proportion of it at that time aswell. I'm not gonna finish this story cos it got a bit hairy, but you get the picture. Anyway since then I have been yearning for him, yeah I know, what the hell, and now he thinks I'm crazy and is blanking me except for random dirty texts!!!! I introspect to much because the thing is, i don't think i like hm at the moment I do not think I am capable of Love, or any such feelings, I believe its all about having what you can't have... a quick fix parsay for all the things you lost, which brings me to another topic.
I hate social networking sites, I might just lock myself out of mine as it is becoming an obsession. I am also a pseudo-stalker with people I know who I don't want to have contact with, and who I don't want them to see how much of a failure I am... and I am. This brings to the next of my myspace/facebook failings they make me lie, I have no idea why, whether to seem more attractive, exciting, better off to people maybe but this maybe why I'm stuck in on a friday night cos I convinced half my address book that I was going away to the moon just for a.. oh...weekend visit.
So I'm coming to the end of my first blog, well to tell you the truth this has been one of the most cathartic experiences I have had in a long time. I definitely recommend. So where will be my path from here, well I have got work tomorrow, which normal people will probably;y complain about, but at least it allows me a few sentences interaction with although undesirable, they are still humans. So you know what I'm gonna say goodnight, I hope you had a good one, and maybe next time can you invite me?
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